2019 Showed Me That Life Is Precious, But Painful

2019 is a year in my life that I will never forget. Even though many are talking about how excited they are for 2020 to be hear and throwing the deuces to 2019, I’m honestly a little bit on the fence. I’m definitely looking forward what 2020 has in store, but the memories I have of 2019 are some of my most cherished, yet painful memories I have in my life. One thing 2019 showed me is that life is short, but life is beautiful. That life is precious, but life is also painful.

Coming into 2019 I watched my wife, of now going on 8 year, stomach grow larger and larger as we got closer to my daughter’s due date. From it, I fell back in love with the love of my life. No man knows the strength of a woman until you watch her endure pregnancy. From it, we spent more time with each other, had deeper conversations, finished conversation we should have been completed and adored each other as we saw each other in a new light. I literally miss my wife being pregnant sometimes, but the love and understanding from that point continues with both of us.

As my wife reached almost 8 month. We headed over to my dads place for awhile to say hey. At the time, my little cousin who I haven’t seen in a while was staying over there. Dapping him up and seeing how he was felt great. Even though we lost connection of each other for a while, I’ve always looked at him as my little brother. I look at many of my cousin as a brother or sister due to being an only child. While over there he told me what he was planning on doing, wanting to get back into music and getting his life in order. I felt proud of him. He was always a strong lil dude. After letting him rub my wife’s stomach. We left as she began to get tired and so was I from running around that day.

2 month later, it happened! We was officially in labor!!! I don’t think my heart has ever beat so fast in my life, but I knew I had to stay calm. Called up our midwife and we headed to the hospital. The ordeal inside the hospital has to get a write up all by itself, but my wife had to get an emergency C-Section in which our beautiful daughter was born! My mother in law had me cracking up though. Talking about how fast I took my shirt off when the nurse asked did I want to do skin-to-skin with my daughter! That was the very first moment my daughter knew I was her daddy. I was her protector, nurturers and support at that very moment. Eyes wide open she starred at me. I felt love like no other, but was still looking forward to my wife to get out of surgery and also to make sure she was ok.

As they rolled her out of surgery she woke up and immediately started crying for our daughter. I brought her over and told her she did a great job as I helped her hold Jayla (our daughter).

From that point we called my mom and my dad to let them know their granddaughter was born. My parents have always been present in many situations in my life, but I swear it seemed like they got to the hospital in about 10 minutes and I know they both live almost 30 minutes away LOL! First, allowing my mom in (due to only being able to have 1 guest at a time at that moment) she got to hold our daughter and speak love and affirmations to her. Afterwards, my dad came in and held her. It definitely surprised me when I saw him holding her and he began to tear up while hold her 6 pounds 13 ounce frame. I felt again another burst of joy come over me.

This is life, this would be my happily ever after. This is where my book would end. You could assume that everything was fine from here as it mostly was. We continue to watch our parents enjoy being grandparents, Jayla is keeping us up at ALLLLLLLL HOURS OF THE NIGHT LOL! And my wife and I are continuing to love and appreciate each other.

2 months later after my daughter’s birth. I hear my wife pick up the phone and is talking to my dad. I can tell from her tone something bad has happened. After getting off the phone with him she tells me I need to call him to talk, because they found my cousin dead by the train tracks in Hapeville, GA. At that very moment my heart sunk to my stomach, before I was even able to call my dad to get the full story I started crying uncontrollably. Trying to hold my tears I call my dad back and he repeats to me that they found him by the train tracks with one gunshot wound to the head. When talking to the police they have announced that they think it was a suicide. In my head, I’m thinking no one wants to hear this! Plus, why there? My family quickly felt it was something more. Someone did this and we ready to find out who it was.

We found info that we probably shouldn’t have checked on and his older sister continued to push the police to do a full investigation on the crime scene. After two weeks passed. Mourning him at his funeral, going to the last place he was alive, the police finally did an investigation of the scene which my family showed up for and was able to confirm that my cousin committed suicide.

I read a quote that stated, “Suicide does not end the pain, it just passes it to someone else.” I think this is the best quote to describe the pain behind having someone you love commit suicide. At first many of us was looking for someone to blame. Who are we capable of taking this pain out on? Suicide makes you point the finger at yourself when it’s someone you love. Still to this day I think about what I could have said more the last time I seen him. Even though I’m dealing with the love of becoming a new dad. What if I got up with him again after my daughter was born? Why didn’t I continue my own path of being media in the entertainment industry and maybe I could have help him more!

Some days I have to just stop what I’m doing and allow my emotions to do what I need them to do so that I can continue to be productive throughout my day. Some days I just stop what I’m doing and begin to speak to him and just let him know how much he IS LOVED and how much his presence is missed.

One thing that has come out of this that I feel is a good thing is that it got me back into the gym. To stop my mind from running crazy, I started running, I started lifting weights. I started taking care of my health.

Even through this situation, I still feel blessed. Because one thing I always try to do within my life is find the positive in bad situations. From this, it told me to LIVE! This isn’t the first situation that has yelled this into my mind, but my cousin’s death did and I will.

But his death wasn’t the only thing that motivated me, the birth of my daughter did the same. I know it isn’t possible, but I WANT TO LIVE FOREVER! I want to experience how it feels to become a granddad (A LONG LONG LONG LONG TIME FROM NOW! LOL!). I want to be able to run around with her and not be out of breath. I want her to look at me and be like my daddy can beat your daddy. LOL! If I have never felt life is precious, I definitely know now. If my cousin isn’t physically here to live life, then I’ll work harder to spiritually take him to places that little south side Atlanta boy has never seen. As long as I’m live, he lives through me.

One of my favorite memories of my cousin is that he gave me the confidence to ask my wife out when we was young as he asked her on the phone, “Are you lil Jerry’s girl friend?” LOL!

2019 literally made me experience life and death so that I can truly appreciate what a blessing it is to be alive. 2020, I’M READY!

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